Hogwarts a Hex on Children's Health!
by Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet Reporter


While most of my readers may recall our Hogwarts days with great fondness, relishing the memories of delicious, never-ending feasts, sumptuously prepared by House Elves talented enough to win the Culinary Olympics, I had no such golden, chocolate frosted memories. Yours truly attended Beauxbatons, where the cuisine reflects the lighter and more healthful Mediterranean diet, and I firmly believe that the nutritional habits of my formative years set the foundation that has allowed me to keep my extremely attractive, girlish figure.

Imagine my shock when I learned of the wretched excess that spills forth from the infamous Hogwarts House tables. Gentle Readers, is there not a growing obesity epidemic amongst our children? A recent study from St. Mungo's indicates that a growing number of our youth are developing diabetes, high blood pressure, and have high cholesterol levels for their age. (For more on the St. Mungo's study, please see last week's issue, page F-23).

Armed with my trusty peacock quill and wearing a truly stunning pair of green unicorn-hide, open-toed stiletto sling-back pumps, I headed to Hogwarts to investigate. After I bribed them with barrels of butterbeer, the House Elves were more than happy to give me a VIP tour of the kitchens. While most of the elves were unwilling to speak on the record, one particular creature named Dobby was more than happy to tell me what is served for a typical Hoggy Hogwarts breakfast.

"We is having pumpkin juice," the elf squeaked, "with bacon, eggs, more pumpkin juice, sausages, kippers, still more pumpkin juice, and porridge. And pumpkin juice."

I was flabbergasted and asked Dobby if any other beverage is ever served to the students. He shook his head, but then immediately began smacking himself in the forehead with a meat tenderizer. Apparently, Hogwarts, like a modern day den of inequity, is force- feeding our children insane amounts of the high calorie and high carbohydrate pumpkin beverage.

While Dobby was distracted, I surreptitiously decanted a sample of the infamous pumpkin juice into a small flask, which I sent to an independent nutritional potions laboratory for analysis. The results were shocking: a 6 ounce serving of the bright orange beverage contains 201 calories and 49 grams of carbohydrates. Conservatively estimating that each student consumes at least 64 ounces of fluid daily (the minimum recommendation by pediatric Healers at St. Mungo's) means that students are drinking a bare minimum 12,864 calories and 3,136 grams of carbohydrates daily.

Beloved readers, this is unacceptable! Is it no wonder that obesity is sharply rising amongst adolescent witches and wizards?

A typical Hogwarts dinner isn't much better, I soon learned. Frequent menu items include: steak and kidney pie, Shepard's pie, bacon and steak, Cornish pasties, beef casserole, roast beef, pork chops, and an unidentifiable mystery stew. As a side dish, students may pick from: mashed potatoes, jacket potatoes, fried potatoes, boiled potatoes, and roast potatoes. There isn't a green vegetable or salad to be found in the entire castle, unless you count some of the more bizarre specimens located within Greenhouse 9.

Lunchtime, the students often feast off platters of ham and cheese sandwiches, which continually refill. I myself have observed several students consuming dozens of such sandwiches, apparently unaware of precisely how much food they have consumed - another clear sign of the spirit of wretched excess that has invaded this school.

I find it nothing short of miraculous that these students are able to function, living off such an unhealthy diet. To confirm my fears, I turned to Healer Billy Rubin, a specialist at St. Mungo's. After reviewing a typical week's menu, Healer Rubin had this to say: "Constipation must be pandemic at that school, those kids aren't consuming much fiber or roughage. Don't know how they're passing their exams, it's hard to study when you suffer from chronic constipation. And all that butterbeer they drink, that isn't helping matters. Butterbeer is nothing but liquefied butter and caramel syrup, mixed with just enough soda water to produce a pleasant fix. They may as well be drinking fizzy cholesterol." (Dietary information for butterbeer is currently unavailable. I sent a specimen to the lab, but the cholesterol and fat content was so exponentially high that the equipment spontaneously combusted.)

With childhood obesity on the rise, I find it positively unacceptable and unconscionable that Hogwarts is willing to risk the health of the children . . . our most valuable and adorable natural resource. Who will be the future leaders of tomorrow, if these children die tragically young? Are we willing to risk the future of the wizarding world due to our inability to refuse a child a pumpkin pastie . . . or an acid pop . . . or butterbeer?