My Remaining Limbs
Memories of Professor Kettleburn

In order to properly remember poor Professor Kettleborn, the former Care of Magical Creatures professor who retired in order to spend more time with his remaining limbs, we, the Hogwarts Board of Governors have decided it would be most fitting and proper to hear the poignant memories of the beloved man from some of his favorite students.


Gregory Goyle, Sr. - Back in 1974, when I was a First Year, Kettleburn received a bad bite from a flobberworm. It must've really hurt, he was hollerin' fit to wake the undead. Poor man had to go to Muggle London for muggle-rabies-shots.

Sirius Black - Potter and I snucked a box of doughnuts into class with us one day, must've been sometime in October of 1976 or 77. Well, the smell of those doughnuts was too much for the centaurs we were learning about, and one of them knocked me flat on my... *cough* Well, he knocked me down and was attacking me, trying to get the doughnuts. Potter, he just stood there and laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. Kettleburn had to save me, and the man took a blow to the dead doing it. He was unconscous for two and a half weeks, and when he came to, he was blubbering about hooves.

Andromeda Tonks (née Black) - I only took Care of Magical Creatures for one year. I'm dead clumsy, you see - runs in the family, my daughter is the same way. Professor Kettleburn acually kicked me out of his class after I accidentally set fire to a Glumbumble. Between you and me? I think he was just angry about the 3rd degree burns he suffered, smothering the fire with his own body. Oh well, I never did like that class, anyway . . .

Percy Weasley - Professor Kettleburn was an honorable man and a fine teacher. I speak on behalf of the entire Ministry of Magic, when I wish him well in his retirement and hope he and his remaining limbs enjoy their golden years. Oh behalf of my mother and besmirched family name, I would also like to personally apologize for any mischief various members of my own family may have caused . . .like that incident with the itching powder and the baby unicorn.

Marcus Flint- Professor Kettleburn was a way better teacher than that stupid half-blood oaf that Dumbledore kept as a pet. Unlike that smelly giant, he could actually speak English, and no one was ever injured during his classes. Other than the Professor, that is.

Augusta Longbottom - While I never had the honor of being Professor Kettleburn's student, my son Frank enjoyed his classes tremendously. In fact, he met his wife Alice during Care of Magical Creatures, their third year. While Defense Against the Dark Arts was Frank's favourite class, he did speak fondly of Professor Kettleburn, particularly the year they studied lethifolds. Sadly, the Professor was still recooperating from paralytic snakebite, and was unable to produce a satisfactory patronus charm, but I'm proud to say, my Frank stepped in and saved the day. He was destined for greatness even at a young age, my Frank was.

Hestia Jones - Truth be told, Kettleburn's class was a drag, and I dropped it as soon as I could. Who wants to crawl around the woods and touch icky, slobbery creatures? Not me! Still, he was an okay teacher, if you could get past the fact he was always bleeding all over the place. I guess you might be interested to know, my first year in his class was the last year he was permitted to bring in runespoors. One escaped and had his left foot for breakfast. I've never seen so much blood in my life.

Professor Kettleburn, we wish you the best of luck with your remaining limbs. Nobody has earned a more well deserved retirement.