Mugglecom's Interview with Mary Sue
Interviewer: Patrol Foils

~This was originally suppose to be an interview with J.K. Rowling but due to some difficulties it has been replaced with the infamous Mary Sue.

 

PF: Miss Sue, our readers would love to know - what do you consideryour best physical feature?

MS: Gosh.. my eyes? One is green and the other is blue, but they dochange according to my mood. Or possibly my hair? My mother was a metamorphmagus and I inherited part of her ability, so I canchange my hair color, but not the length or style. I'm also fortunate enough, thanks to my grandmother's veela-fairy blood, to have a trim, petite, figure, yet I have curves in all the right places.

(Laughs)

PF: Well, those are some pretty amazing eyes you've got there.

MS: Oh, thank you... but I already knew that.

PF: Now for a personal question. Confess... who is your secret Hogwarts Heart Throb?

MS: *nervous giggle* There are so many to pick from! There's Severus Snape, for example, and what girl doesn't love a tall, dark man of mystery? Besides, I'm the only one who truly understands him . . .Draco Malfoy has his appeal, you have to love a guy who can buy you everything you ever wanted. And he has gotten more muscular from playing Quidditch, but you didn't hear that from me!

PF: Remind us again, what House were you sorted into?

MS: Actually, this is a bit embarassing, but according to the Sorting Hat, I'm so unique that I didn't belong in any of the existing Houses. I'm too cunning for Gryffindor, too loyal for Slytherin, too much of a partygirl for Ravenclaw, and you can just forget Hufflepuff! Yellow is like the worst color on me! So the hat decided to do something that has never, ever been done before, it created a special House just for me.

PF: And that House is?

MS: Moonpearlbeam House. The colors are silver and gold, and the mascot is a unicorn. Of course, I have no Head of House, so the Headmaster or Headmistress has to fill that role.

PF: So are you the only one in Moonpearlbeam?

MS: Oh yes, after all I'm one of a kind.

PF: Academically speaking, what would you say was your best subject at school?

MS: Oh dear, this is a tough one! I would like to say that Defence Against the Dark Arts is because of the dark magic that runs through my veins due to my heritage and my tragic past in which my mother and beauitiful sister Crystal were murdered, my mission to avenge them keeps me well trained and focused. But I also receive fantastic marks in Potions and of course, Transfiguration. I've mastered three different Animagi forms; I can transform into a swan, a liger (a magical cross between a lion and a tiger, don't you know) and a pegasus. Of course, I get brilliant marks in whatever I take, but those are the subjects that really matter.

PF: WOW, three different Animagi shapes, that must be some kind of record.

MS: Dumbledore said he's never met anyone with my unique ability. He thinks I may become the most power witch the world has ever seen.

PF: You mentioned your heritage being 'dark', who were your parents?

MS: My mother was a beautiful and talented witch and the only woman Voldemort ever loved, they had an affair and I was born on a moonlit night, in the Forbidden Forest as my mother tried to run from my father who had grown so corrupt and evil, so you see, his blood runs through me and I am the heir of Slytherin, sometimes I fear my own power...*looks off wistfully*

PF: Mary Sue, what makes you tick? Everything is so perfectly timed for you. Our readers would like to hear how your perfection is possible. How do you make that happen?

(laughs)

MS: It's natural for me. I wasn't born perfect, of course. I discovered that I was a witch by accident. I was an orphan, you know. It was very sad but I was adopted by a wealthy couple in New York City. Color me shocked to find out that Voldemort was my father and that I was born in secret. My poor mother was a pure-blood, a cousin of the Black family. Have you heard of them? My mother was beautiful and smart, but frankly, very weak. She died a terrible death. When I received my letter from Hogwarts, well, you could have knocked me over with a feather, but I had a make-over, bought enough Prada, Spade and Gucci-Pucci to keep me dressed through those awful northern winters and I was fine. Frankly, I don't know what all the fuss was about. Slytherin is a synch. I've got Draco Malfoy and all those malcontents wrapped around my finger. Harry Potter is hot. I'm aiming my spandex undies for his macho manliness. Voldemort might be my father but he is so creepy, so yesterday. Harry, with Draco on the sly, that's where it's at. We do it in the Prefect's bathroom. I'm so experienced, so assured, and so hot for them both that I can't decide.
*major sigh* Did I mention that I do wandless magic and I speak Parseltongue?

PF: What's that you're holding in your hand? It looks like a piece of shiny plastic.

MS: Oh, this? It's my mp3 player. I had Professor McGonagall put a special enchantment on it, so it will work at Hogwarts, despite all the anti-Muggle wards. She tried to do something similar for my cell phone, but in the end, Professor Flitwick had to help her. It's really complicated getting muggle electronic devices to work at Hogwarts! Apparently, all the magic in the air and the latent magical signatures from past generations creates some sort of reverse-antimatter-force field. But in the end, they were able to figure out a way to keep my mp3 player and my phone permanently charged and able to function in the castle, which is so cool, because I just can't stand to be without either. I'm always text-messaging my friends during class!

PF: And your worst subject?

MS: What do you mean by "worst"? Even Snape has to give me the best marks because I'm the smartest girl in the class. Though, it always helps to give him a little wink once in a while. *giggles*

PF: So does that mean you're smarter than Hermione?

MS: Of course! I'm perfect, remember? Her brains are nothing compared to mine. Just yesterday, I thought up this new spell that could possibly help Harry defeat Voldemort and bring peace to the world. Wouldn't that just be so, like, cool? And I can't forget the time when I helped Hermione in Potions class to make this incredibly difficult potion, which I had no trouble at all doing because you know how easy Potions is. There's also the time when I helped the trio out by uncovering a book in the deepest reaches of the library because I've read all the books there after I transferred, while Hermione's only gotten through half of them in all the time she's been here. They call her the smartest witch of her age, but you know, that should really be what they call me.

PF: As readers all know, students may bring an owl, a cat, or a toad to Hogwarts. Can you tell us about your pet?

MS: Oh my gosh, didn't you see Princess?! You see since I was a transfer student into Hogwarts in my 6th year I was able to bring something a little, well, more advanced than the traditional Hogwarts pet. I mean it has to be representative of the student right? Well since I can speak Parseltongue I made friends with this alligator that lived in the sewers of New York where I used to live - did you know that Parseltongue allows you to speak to all reptiles? No *shocked expression*, well it does - at least for me it does. Well turns out the alligator was my pet and friend for a long time (forget that alligators are disgusting and slimy, because I'm a good person I love all creatures) but because of the environment he had to live in for all that time it made him sick and he died.well I didn't want a new pet because I was so devastated as a child over my alligator dying! But last year, what with my ability to turn into a Pegasus, I was able to spend some time with a family of Pegasus and one of them wanted to come stay with me. Peggi still lives in the stables that Professor Dumbledore had erected especially for her but really Princess is my special pet. Princess is my Chihuahua. She wears Prada too.

PF: Please answer as truthfully as possible, Miss Sue. What is your greatest weakness?

MS: Well, I guess you could say I have a weakness for fashion. There was this time at the mall when I saw this perfect little outfit that I just couldn't resist buying. It was a cute little skirt - pink of course - with black fishnet leggings and this top that was, like, so punk I just had to have it. So, yes, that would be my only weakness: wanting to look perfect all the time!

PF: Any career plans you'd like to share?

MS: Oh I have lots of career plans. Somebody as prefect as me really doesn't have to focus too much on the future. I was accepted into Auror Academy when I was a third year, which was before I transferred to Hogwarts. I originally attended The New York Seminary for Young Witches and Wizards, but Dumbledore hand delivered my Hogwarts letter just weeks before he died. That is really where he was going the entire time,the whole mess about looking for my father's Horcruxes was just a cover story. Anyways, after I got to Hogwarts several professional Quidditch Teams actively recruited me. I'm a very flexible player and I can play Chaser and Keeper at the same time. I'll probably avoid Quidditch as a professional career because it's murder on the hair.

PF: Miss Sue, could you please give us a little background on your musical abilities?

MS: Of course! I just love music! It is as much a part of me as the *dark magic* coursing through my veins. I play several instruments, such as piano, flute, cello, and accordian, but I really favor the guitar. I'm so great, The Weird Sisters asked me to play with them for the Halloween Ball at Hogwarts! I was so excited to get up on the stage with them and really wail on my guitar. Draco even sang with us!! But my favorite part was when we busted into "My Humps" by the Black-Eyed Peas, and Draco did the rap. Honestly, he's just the hottest.

PF: Miss Sue, could you tell us what your wand is made of?

MS: Of course! It's a rare type of crystal found only in fairy courts and the core is one pure shaft of moonbeam. It was handmade by Merlin himself, the last he ever made and far more powerful than any other wand in existence.

PF: I wish our readers could see how stylishly dressed you are! Could you tell us about a few of your favorite outfits?

MS: How super of you to ask! Everyone knows that Hogwarts has a strict dresscode, but in Moonpearlbeam House we make our own rules and would never be caught in anything as bland as school robes! No, no, we go and get our out fits from this really cool Muggle shop called Hot Topic, though we altered them a little bit to be more stylish, shorter skirts and this little charm I learnt that makes glitter fall wherever I walk when I wear my Simple Plan t-shirt. But my favourite outfit would be my Yule Ball dress: it's a deep red with a slit up the side to show off my legs, the top is a corset with black ribbons threaded through, it's made of spider silk and a special weave that comes from Transylvania

PF: Mary Sue, it has been a pleasure chatting with you today, we wish you the best of luck at Hogwarts.

MS: Thanks again, this has been fun.