Smoke drifts through an empty alley, a stray cat scampers away from the steady drum of feet and a crowd pours in, circling one another, sneering and scowling.

"Fists," calls the leader of the Heron gang (though no one remembers when they came up with it) and he does a triple pirouette, landing on his knee in front of the notorious Harmony gang, who tips his hat, does the splits and spins around in reply.

"Knives!" The Harmonians spit, doing the worm and launching into a complicated dance routine, involving rhythmic footsteps and the most threatening clicking of fingers anyone has ever seen.

"Bottles!" The Herons retaliate with the dance from Thriller

"Chains!"

"Guns!"

"Hippogriff!"

The last word rings out silently and the Harmony gang smirk at the confused looks on their faces, thinking they have claimed defeat.

"What does that have to do with anything?" the leader of the Heron gang asks, utterly bewildered.

"A HA!" proclaims the lead Harmonian triumphantly, puffing up with pride. "Clearly it is a symbol for the everlasting love that Harry and Hermione share, Buckbeak is a clue that H/Hr is surely going to happen."

The Herons quirk their eyebrows. "Didn't she hate being on Buckbeak and Harry ignored her?"

There is an awkward pause.

"Shut up! Shut up! It's a symbol of true and everlasting love and nothing you can say can make me doubt it's going to happen."

The Heron gang snicker quietly. "Delusional."

The reaction is violent, because everyone knows that 'Delusional' is a dirty word for someone whose love for the books isn't pure.

And so the scene continues long into the night, tragically, since the release of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince children and adults are forgetting about their school, home life and work and spending their time arguing over the future of the 'shipping in the books.

Parents, spouses and bosses beware: the real threat isn't tucked away under their mattresses; you can't smoke it, drink it or practice it safely. The problem is on your bookshelves, and on your computers as a deadly battle for minds takes place. You must either join one of these camps or be considered a 'gen fan', a label akin to 'Nigel No-friends' in the Harry Potter fandom. Sure there are small gangs like the Wotcher!Wolvies and the Puppyshippers, but since no once can understand what anyone is saying because entire debates are constructed from thesauruses and those old Greek mythology books you left somewhere and never read, and the less vehement. No, the real action is on the home front, where the Harmony and Heron gangs dance around once another, insulting and mocking the other's beliefs in an attempt to shake them from their foundations.

These battles for dominance can take place anywhere, at anytime, one needs only to drop the words 'delusional', 'canon' or 'JKR said' into a casual conversation to suddenly find themselves in Thunderdome, left only with their wits and an assault barrage of book and interview quotes. Two men enter, only one man leaves.

And they will fight, and they will claim oppression, and they will dance joyful dances of victory, claiming territories as their own before getting pushed back and neither gang will lie down and declare defeat because as it is, who ever Hermione decides to hook up with is indeed a universal issue.

'Shipping has ruined lives, just go down to any subway and ask one of your unwashed homeless what drove them here. Sure, you'll get your 'alcohol', 'gambling', 'bad decisions' and the occasional 'leprechauns', but one in five of the homeless is a former Harmonian destroyed by JKR's decision to "'ship" R/Hr.

This journalist took herself down to her local subway and asked Candy* her opinion:

"In choosing Ron she is clearly supporting and telling young girls everywhere that it's okay to be yelled at and browbeaten for being intelligent, but if she chooses Harry this will clearly lead to world of sunshine and daisies. It just isn't fair that JKR built up all my hopes and dreams and crushed them, laughing in my face and calling me names, I mean, who is she to tell us that Ron and Hermione belong together? I read the books! I didn't see any anvil-sized hints! JKR discriminated against me!"

An apathetic Heron walked by, tossing a silver coin at the disillusioned beggar's feet. "Brought it on themselves, really, come on who could miss that Ron and Hermione were clearly destined, we don't even need symbolism or a need to read between the lines, because our 'ship was written <I>in</I> the lines, who bloody said they could think differently to me anyway? Everyone has the right to my opinion!"

Another of the upperclass Ron/Hermione 'shippers walked pass to throw in: "And anyway it's not as if it's important, we wouldn't kick up such a fuss if our 'ship was shot down - even though we know it isn't going to be and if she even thought about it, she knew that there would be hell to pay. We're not worried, but just in case - watch it Rowling."

So should the Harmony gang lie down and accept this totalitarian dictatorship where canon rules and Buckbeak is just a Hippogriff? There's always fan fiction where everyone can convince themselves they're doing a better job than the author, places like HPFF allow young and old to write what they would like to see in the series.

So shine on tiny dancers, fan fiction loves you.